Thursday, October 28, 2010

Thursday afternoon, and for the most part, I think I have recovered from the festivities of my nieces wedding. Kids are back in school, and I am back at working on trying to provide a stable environment for my kids.  The gloomy weather is effecting my mood however, because for a brief second, it all seems so hopeless.

That poses quite a dilemma, because without hope, I really have nothing. I may be lacking on a lot of things, but if by some chance, I can just hang on to hope, then all is not lost. So, I am trying to improve my paradigm. 

I realize that though my life is far from perfect (really who's life is perfect) I am so blessed. I have not only my family that loves me, (even if sometimes we put the fun in dysfunctional) But my ex husband's family loves me too. I have a great big list of people that love and support me with all the trials I have going on right now. Not many people can say the same thing.

I have a safe place to lay my head at night. There are millions of people that can't say the same thing. I have enough to eat, and judging by the size of my waistline, sometimes too much to eat.  There are people right now, in my community that can't say that.

So, yes, it's hard raising my kids alone, (but am I really alone?) and yes it's hard being out of work, and not being able to hold a job right now because of issues with my kids. Yes it's not easy not having the Independence that comes with having your own place. But I am so blessed.

Truly my God has not forsaken me. Truly I am far better off in my circumstances than a lot of people find themselves. Even if I don't want to admit it, things are coming together, just not at the pace at which I wish they were.

SO, I am going to try to be more patient, more thankful, and hold on to hope.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Dr Seuss rhyme to go with the Dr Seuss cake for my niece's wedding...(Love you Robin)

My niece has me making a polk-a-dot and striped cake for her wedding....which has me thinking Dr. Seuss...A Dr Seuss cake needs a Dr Seuss style rhyme...right? So, with my morbid sense of humor, I came up with the following....(same rhythm as cat in the hat...)

Was the 23rd of October
it wasn't quite june
the stress of the wedding
was causing much gloom

The bride was in tears
The groom being a jerk
 and Mommy and Auntie were trying to make cake work...(just go with it.)

Granny was sewing, attaching the fabric
and the cousins were fighting, (a very bad habit!)

groomsmen were missing,
 there was much stressing
and moaning and pissing

along comes an army
of people to help
Maybe together
the bride won't yelp!

It will all be wonderful
when all is said and done
world war three
isn't quite as much fun...

just venting

I am so frustrated! I think I've had about as much as I stand. It's one of those moments where I feel like I'm drowning. Where I just have to be still and practice breathing! I disciplined my 6 year old and my 9 year old for fighting. They get in knock down drag out fights often. My 6 year old thinks he can hit and say sorry and things are ok. My 9 year old is sick and tired of my 6 year old hitting him. SO, I disciplined them, trying to teach my 6 year old that sorry doesn't make it ok, and my 9 year old that when he fights back, it teaches my 6 year old that it's ok to hit.

SO, after a time out, my nine year old said, "If I jumped off the cliff, no one would care!" With mental illness so prevalent on both sides of his family (his dad and mine) Those kind of comments cut me right to the quick. I know kids say those things, and he's speaking out of anger more than anything...I hope. I try not to react, but instead just say, "that's not true, I love you and God loves you."

I can't even imagine how bad that would hurt, for a parent to have to bury a child. I think that would be multiplied by ten million if that child, no matter what age had taken their own life. I pray that I never have to find out.

I want him to know, just like I want everyone to know the truth. Even when you think that no one cares, there is always someone. Not only does the God who made you love you. But there's always a friend, a family member, a teacher, who's life was impacted  for the better by your life. Even if they don't say it, even if they're not in contact. LIFE IS PRECIOUS! People care.

I really hope that this little boy just knows somewhere inside his hyper and angry body, that he's loved. That his life to me is more precious than all the treasure on the earth. I would give my life for him right now. I also hope that somehow, as his mom, I'm doing something right.


Well, I guess I did it now. I have people telling me I should write a blog. So, here I am, 12:48am, starting a blog.

I should be working on a myriad of projects for my eldest niece's wedding in TWO DAYS.

I could be working on my own personal and spiritual growth with the two books I'm reading and the scriptures I'm trying to work through cover to cover. 

I could be sleeping, because I know my 6 year old (who is special needs) is going to be up at the crack of dawn. He is under the impression that he should dictate when the sun comes up. He is also of the opinion that if he's awake, everyone else should be also. This proves difficult when he's having a bout of insomnia or decides that 4 hours is enough sleep.

Instead, here I sit.

I am chugging diet coke, dinking around on the computer. I have two toast glasses that need stencils cut so I can etch them. (an impossible task) I have cakes to bake so we can decorate them tomorrow. Once upon a time I use to be superwoman! I could do anything. But this wedding has me feeling like I've been rolling in my own brand of kryptonite. I think I am more nervous now than when I got married to my ex. It's kind of bizarre.

I am thinking that in the grand scheme of things, if there's a flaw in the cake, or the lines aren't perfect on the glasses, no one that matters is going to care. It's not really about me, is it? Isn't it about my niece, her fiance and their new life together? (not that i'm going to do a half @$$ job...don't worry, I'll do my best!)

I think that I've procrastinated enough for now. If it weren't for the last minute in my life, nothing would ever get done!